Blizzard of '05

Being an I-banker is alot like being a part of the mob. The MD mumbles from up on-high and demands complete and total obedience. (Imagine the godfather mumbling "I have this client, see, and we want to show him a valuation over 3x revenue see. I would seriously be displeased if this doesn't happen.") His SVPs and VPs are the faithful lieutenants who execute his whims, leaving the analysts as the grunts and hitmen. Like the mob, you've committed yourself to "the life," and only other i-bankers (and maybe corporate lawyers) can truly understand the degrading nature of your job. Sure, like the mob, you get perks like a generous expense policy and a nice chunk of cash, but on the other hand, like the mob, you're completely subservient to your don (and you lose your humanity in the process to boot). The big difference though is that while the mob generally brow-beats to get their dough, i-bankers suck cock like you wouldn't believe.

Example of "The Life"

Saturday, Jan. 22, 2005
Day before the blizzard
In the office by 11am. Pitch for an IPO on Monday in NY. 5th version of the book being reviewed. The day is spent processing minor, but time consuming changes. Just once I would like to see a pitch actually won because the potential client says "Wow, great tombstone page!" Snow begins falling slightly before 6. All the warnings on the news are for drivers to stay off the road, but no mere blizzard will stop this pitch. Spent the next couple of hours receiving emails with more changes, leave the office at 7:45pm.

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005
Holy shit there's a lot of snow on the ground (see below). Naturally, the MDs who've had all week to review this book decide to send in their comments on the last day. Around 3pm I'm told to add '06 metrics to the comparables set (to those unfamiliar with the terminology, the translation is alot of pointless bitch work). I point out that this will take a while, and that the value add will be pretty minimal. Nonetheless, I'm expected to add it. Around 6pm, I sent off another version of the book with the '06 numbers. They look weird. At 8pm, I get a call. And you guessed it, I'm told to take out the '06 numbers. The final version of the book is ready at 10pm. I'm about to send it off to some unlucky first year in our New York office to print, when the MD forwards us an email from the potential client. The client informs our MD that the proceeds of the IPO would be used to pay off the high yield debt at the end of the '05, which means we have to readjust some numbers. Luckily, after spending about a half-hour discussing it with the VP, we decide that it's more trouble than it's worth at this point.

And my favorite part (which truly indicates how crazy i-bankers are) is that the MD and VP at one point decide to spend the night at the airport to catch the 6am flight to NY, but then they later decide to take the train. So they basically order an associate to wake up at 4am to pick them up and drop them off at the station. But at least I'm not alone. One of my fellow analysts received the call to do a full-blown pitch due Monday on Thursday at 3pm, which, by our estimations, was at least 30-40 hours of work. And how did this pitch arise? Because the potential client made some off-handed remark to our MD:

Paraphrased
[on the phone]
Client: Hey, we're having a board meeting on Monday. Why don't you come down and present?The board would love to meet you.
MD: Sure! Sounds great! What should I present?
Client: Oh, I don't know. Just some general stuff.

[off the phone]
MD to analyst and associate: We got this hot lead! We need to show them everything! I want 3 pub comp sets, 2 M&A comps, financial and strategic buyers, and what the hell, some merger candidates as well!

He's up at this hour still working on it from home. The irony is that he only received the pitch because I was staffed on the IPO pitch, and I was only staffed on the IPO pitch because the analyst who was supposed to do it had a stomach ulcer, proving that not only can you not avoid shit, but there's alot of it to go around.

The books were emailed at 11pm and printed and bound by midnight. At which point, I went out to shovel out my car, which I was unable to do all day because I was working, so I could go to work bright and early tomorrow to handle any last minute requests that might arise before the presentation. And naturally, the plows shoveled a huge mound in front of the driveway.

The life is good.


Somebody shoot me please.


Hours spent at work today: 10 (All at home to boot)
Hours spent shoveling snow: 1.5
The referee's call: Down and out.