Cough Cough

Nothing says professionalism more than coughing every other word when trying to explain a valuation to a lawyer:

Me: Well, the cash *cough* *cough* potion was *cough* *cough* 10: *cough* *cough* *cough* *wheez* *hack*
You get the idea.

I've been sick with this cold for a week now, and while the fever is gone, the coughing is only getting worse. I took some Tylenol cold relief, but that only ended up giving me a headache. NyQuil has to be the most foul concoction known to man, and rather ineffective as well. And yet I keep taking it every night, hoping it'll make me better someday. Kinda like i-banking.


Hours spent at work: 15
Diagnosis: Bad

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Screw being positive. I tried it for about 3 days and look where it got me? I think I have whooping cough, or at least some strong form of cough, and the past couple of days have reminded me why I hate banking. There are many things to hate about banking, but the thing that drives me crazy is the attention to unimportant details. Sure, attention to detail is very important if it changes the value of your company by a couple of million bucks, but just once I would like to see a pitch lost because the spacing after a period was too much or because pretax wasn't hyphenated everywhere.

I can just see it now:
CFO: "Well, we think your analysis is top-notch, but your border here is just a bit off. Sorry, no deal for you"
MD: "I'm going to kill that analyst."

That's my rant about banking for the day. But what are bankers good for? Well, despite the obvious temptation to say "nothing," bankers are good at selling things. In fact, I think it would be a good idea for me to hire a banker for my love life. Because of my job and my general social ineptness, my one date in the past year has been with a girl whom I met on the Internet and who now refuses to reply to my emails because of my steadfast refusal to take a hint. Hiring a banker would make things a lot easier. He/she would qualify potential targets, initiate approach calls, and of course, write up my information memorandum with my investment highlights and challenges.

Here's how I would imagine the approach calls would work:
[Banker calls girl]
Girl: Hello?
Banker: Hi, this is Joe calling from Winthrop Prescott, a Division of Joe& Co, Inc.
Girl: Um, ok.
Banker: I'm calling to see if you might be interested a date with a client of mine. He's Asian, in his mid-twenties, with TTM EBITDA of $90k.
Girl: Do I know him?
Banker: I can't reveal the name on a pre-NDA basis.
Girl: pre-what?
Banker: Suffice it to say, it's a highly unique opportunity. We thought you might be interested because you're an extremely qualified date (e.g. you're cute and not crazy), and your prior transaction history has shown an affinity for nerds.
Girl: Errr...
Banker: Ok. Why don't I send you an executive summary with some investment highlights and I'll call back in a week to touch base?
Girl: Ummm... sure
[click]

Then assuming the girl has interest, a date would be set-up. My banker, would of course, accompany me to field any of the tough questions:

Girl: Hey. Nice to meet you. How are you?
Me: Umm..... [turns to banker]
Banker: He's fine.

My banker would also assist in conducting due diligence:
Banker: Are you really a 36D?
Girls: Yes!
Banker: I'll have to check for myself. Can you take off your shirt?

Hmm... maybe I don't need a banker to help with due diligence. Anyway happy singles awareness day, Trifon Zarezan, Valentine's Day or what have you. Somebody shoot me. Or at least give me some NyQuil.

Hours spent at work: 14
Hour spent coughing: 7

Something Different

I forgot, as part of my New Year's resolution, I was supposed to turn a new leaf and be positive. So for the next week, I will try to be unrelentingly upbeat and positive and we'll see how things turn out. So even though it's 2:30am, I just got back home from work, and I'm recovering from a fever, things look great! Man, I love banking! You just learn so much!


Hours spent at work: Not enough!
Outlook: Unrelentingly upbeat and positive!

Blah

In case you haven't seen it: The Drexel Diaspora. It's like the mob I tell you.

You know that book, How To Lie With Statistics? It should be required reading for bankers (if it isn't already). A line from the author: "The secret language of statistics, so appealing in a fact-minded culture, is employed to sensationalize, inflate, confuse, and oversimplify."

Please don't show this to compliance.

Hours spent at work: 16
Excel says: #REF

Untitled

The associates and VPs found out their bonuses this past Thursday, and they were none too pleased. Well below Street. The analysts are taking bets on who's going to jet next week.

The higher up's bonuses also made me realize how much of a commodity analysts are. Unlike the associates and VPs, our bonuses this past June were at and above Street. Unlike the higher ups, our pay isn't really too dependent on our group's performance, but rather tied to what analysts at other firms get. It's commodity-pricing basically. All analysts on the Street are essentially interchangeable. On the one hand, in situations like this, it's good that our pay won't suck because our group didn't have a good year, but on the other hand, it just reinforces the point that we're commodities, like oil and gas.

Still have yet to make a decision on the third year. I did visit New York though to try to get a feeling of what it would be like to live there. Didn't find out too much, except that if you're drunk, you can be happy anywhere. I think I'm an alcoholic.

Random thought: If cell-phones do cause brain tumors, in 20 years, will all the MDs and lawyers in this world drop-dead? Would this necessarily be a bad thing for society?

Hours spent working this weekend: 0 (it's always a bad sign when you're happy deals get postponed/canceled because it means you get the weekend off)
New people met: 4
Vegas says: Long odds

Pros and Cons

Tomorrow all the higher-ups find out their bonuses at our firm, which is a good thing because troubling analysts will be the last thing on their minds. Bets are being taken on who will leave in the next two weeks. I'm also supposed to decide on whether or not I want to remain a third year in the next week, but, hopefully, people will be too distracted by bonus numbers to bother me about it until the next month or so.

But anyway, as part of the decision-making process, it's time for a pro/con list.

Pros:
1.) $$$$$
2.) $$$$
3.) $$$
4.) $$
5.) $
6.) Postpones big "what the fuck do I want to do with my life question" for yet another year
7.) Will keep me occupied, and thus give me little time to mope or to think about weighty, philosophical questions such as "what the fuck do I want to do with my life" or "should I have soup or wrap for lunch"

Cons:
1.) Becoming more materialistic by:
- Actually wanting to shop at Brooks Brothers
- Thinking that an associate "only" getting a $100k bonus is "underpaid"
- Thinking that its a good idea that all these graduates from good colleges spend their time figuring out how to maximize goodwill, or in layman's terms, make rich people even richer
- Thinking that people who "only" work 40 hours a week are "lazy"
2.) As one of my friends put its, viewing free time as something you win in a lottery, rather than as something that's yours
3.) The eventual realization that instead of having the courage to tackle weighty philosophical questions such as "what the fuck do I want to do with my life" or "should I have soup or wrap for lunch," I've chickened out and just went for the money

So I have to make a decision somewhat quickly. Or I can do what my friend Joe suggested to one of my banker friends: "Maybe you should pretend that you are considering staying for a third year, but make it known that it will depend on the size of your bonus. Once you get the big bonus, then you can quit. Don't worry about burning bridges because in the small chance that you might want to come back to JP in the future, all the people in your current group will probably already be gone." Sound advice.

Hours spent at work: Too many
Going to: Whitecastle