Divine M&A

[up in heaven]

Divine Banker #1: You know, I've been thinking.
Divine Banker #2: About what?
Divine Banker #1: Well, I think this whole system we have up here is sort of inefficient.
Divine Banker #2: What do you mean?
Divine Banker #1: Well, think about it. We've got over 3,000 deities up here.
Divine Banker #2: And? There's a lot of room up here in heaven.
Divine Banker #1: Well, it's sort of makes it confusing for people to worship them. It's inefficient, you know. Think about it. It's confusing people. They can't keep track of all the gods and what not. I mean, the literacy rate down there is barely in the double digits! They spend all their hunting and gathering! They don't have time to remember the names of all our gods, nevermind who to worship and when!
Divine Banker #2: Hmmm.... you have a point.
Divine Banker #1: It's a highly fragmented market right now with none one god having over a 10% market share.
Divine Banker #2: What do you propose?
Divine Banker #1: Well, why don't we find the most popular god and have him acquire all his competitors. Everything will be easier. Fewer names to remember, an organized hierarchy. We could even combine all these thousands of books into one big book, you know, into a bible of sorts. The cost synergies you could achieve would be tremendous! Not to mention the worshipping synergies.
Divine Banker #2: You might be on to something... It's like you're rolling-up all the gods.
Divine Banker #1: YES! A roll-up! That's the word. The potential would huge! I bet you we could get some of the big private equity guys to buy into this!
Divine Banker #2: Yeah, ever since the pyramids, they've been looking for the next big thing.
Divine Banker #1: Great! I'll give my guys a call. And think of the fees....
Divine Banker #2: Fees.....

Hours spent at work: 13
Current weight: 155.0 lb
Check: engine, oil, and brain.

Interviewing Fun

What not to do during investment banking interviews:

Q: What brings you to Winthrop Prescott?
A: Well, I heard on your website that you're different from the other investment banks. That you don't work as many hours and that the Company really cares that you have a life outside of work.

Q: What do you think you do in a typical day as an analyst?
A: Negotiate deals.

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: Rich.

Q: Rank the following in order of preference for a job: work-life balance, intellectual stimulation, compensation, and geography.
A: Work-life balance, compensation, geography, and intellectual stimulation

Q: Name three weaknesses.
A: I'm not a sports fan, I'm afraid of flying, and I fear fire.

I finished catching up on The O.C. Now what?

The Investment Bank

Next on The I.B.

An analyst makes an inappropriate move during an interview
Analyst: So do you have any questions for me?
Recruit: Sure, can you describe your typical day at The Investment Bank?
Analyst: Sure. Why don't we discuss it over dinner? Say 8pm?

An associate discovers that he's very familar with the bankers on the other side
[on a call to TargetCo]
TargetCo: Why don't you call our bankers? We're represented by America's Bank.
Associate: Sure. Who should I contact?
TargetCo: I think the Associate is Amy Flowers.
[silence]
TargetCo: Do you know her?
Associate: I used to go out with her...

An analyst decides to take a shortcut in a model
Analyst1: It's so fucking late. I can't figure out this part of the model.
Analyst2: Just hardcode that shit. No one will ever know.
Analyst1: Maybe you're right..
[two days later]
Analyst1: Shit.
Associate: What?
Analyst: Remember that bid we submitted for Widget Co. for $10 a share?
Associate: Yeah...
Analyst: There was a mistake model. It was actually worth $5 a share....

A family struggles
Child: Dad, can you come to my baseball game?
VP: Can't. I have a client meeting.
Child: Again? You're never there when I need you! I hate you!
VP: Don't you understand? I'm doing this for you? I'm doing this so you can have what I never had!
Child: But that's not what I want!
VP: What do you want!?!?
Child: A dad.

An MD confronts his former firm in a deal
MD1: You have progressed far since your days here at Winthrop Prescott.
MD2: When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the Master (of the Universe).
MD: Only a master of evil.

Investment bank here we come, right back where we started from
Investment baaaaaaaaank, here we cooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeee
Investment bank, Investment bank, here we coooooommmmmmmeeeeee

Hours spent at work: 12
People interviewed today: 1
Ratings are: Going down

Antoine Walker

Antoine Walker is a Celtic again, which is great because Antoine is my favorite NBA player. It's an odd choice because, well, Antoine isn't particularly good. He's a versatile player to be sure, but he's also petulant, whiny, arrogant, and a terrible shooter. But as the Boston Sports Guy points out, he cares about being a Celtic and about winning, and in the end, I feel that should matter more than all his (substantial) negatives.

Maybe it's because I've forgotten what it was like to care so passionately about something. In investment banking, I get worked up about deals, try to do a good job, but if the deal falls apart, and I can't really say that I care too deeply about it. It sucks that we won't get a fee and that all the work we did was essentially wasted, but it won't break my heart if rich people don't get a little richer. Plus, as an analyst, my comp is Street-driven, not firm performance driven anyway.
Or maybe it's because Antoine is so annoying that I believe that his teammates try to win to get him to shut up. I'm convinced that was the primary reason why the Celtics staged one of the greatest fourth quarter comebacks in NBA history during the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals. It was the only way to get him to stop bitching. There's something to be said about being that annoying. Whatever the case, welcome back Antoine. It's nice to have a true Celtic back.

Hours spent at work: 12 (thank goodness for conferences)
Antoine rulez!!!!

A Revenue Deferred

Bad point about banking #256: Despite still being sick, a fairness opinion waits for no one.
Good point about banking #3: Project oriented work .

So I've finally recovered from my cough/fever and my fairness opinion was issued, thereby allowing me to rejoin the ranks of the living. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to infect anyone at work.

In the meantime, I've discovered The OC, which is arguablly the greatest show ever made. It made me think that I want to write crappy TV shows for a living. My two ideas:

Idea #1: According to Bo, there are Cisco emergency teams that are called in to restore mission-critical systems when they go down. For instance, if the infrastructure of a hospital goes down. These Cisco teams are sorta like SWAT teams for major IT problems; they get flown in on jets, are on call 24/7, and have to deal with intense pressure packed situations. It would make a great show for nerds. You could have stressed out geeks screaming "I need the TCP/IP address now!" or "Ping that address!" It would combine crime elements with evil hackers, geek humor, and of course, important life lessons like "You may know routers inside and out, but you don't know the route to my heart." Good shit.

Challenges for mainstream popularity: Potentially too many Asian actors, and if the show is realistic, no cute chicks.

Idea #2: Obviously, an investment banking show. It would detail the story of an Asian American analyst as he learns important life lessons through investment banking. He joins the investment bank originally thinking that what he wants most in life is money and a sense of self-importance, but slowly he learns that maybe money isn't the answer. You would have exciting episodes where the MD asks where his books are, where the VP wants to change the comp set 12 hours before the meeting, and where the associate thinks that the figures in the presentation should be shown in millions instead of thousands. Gripping stuff. Imagine an episode where the MD realizes too late that his team forgot to write down the deferred revenue in an merger model, and, as a result, the acquisition is actually dilutive for his client. Better drama has rarely been seen on TV.

Example life lessons include: "You know the price of everything, but the value of nothing" or "It's not the revenue that's deferred, it's your life" or "Your heart is like a Section 338 (h) 10 election: a stock purchase treated like an asset purchase that allows the amortization of intangibles to be tax deductible." Ok, so that last one didn't make any sense, but you get the idea.

Challenges for mainstream popularity: Investment banking really doesn't make for exciting TV. If the show was anywhere halfway realistic, you'd have a show where the analyst did Excel models and Powerpoint/Word presentations all day long. But since TV shows don't have to approximate reality, the investment bank would be filled with attractive people who worked on exciting deals all the time.

And of course, the best part is that you could have the cross-over show where the Cisco team comes to restore the IT system of the investment bank, where a critical deal hangs in the balance of restoring the an accidentally deleted file.

So, who wants to move to Hollywood?

Hours spent at work: 15
Hours spent watching The OC over the weekend: 8
I'm a soldier, but I've got no soul.